Wheelchair Girl: Chapter 4-5

https://novel18.syosetu.com/n2611p/21/

Chapter 4-5: Her World

A few days later, they went to the park after buying a comb and scissors. 

Right in front of Haruka’s home, there was a park with children.

A kindergartener playing in the sand, an elderly on a walk, and housewives chatting to each other. Various kinds of people could be found in the afternoon at that park. Right on the other side, there were three elementary school girls happily playing tennis.

“Hehe, I’m looking forward to the haircut you’ll be giving to me.”

Haruka said such with a carefree tone and leaned back into her wheelchair.

They had put a mirror on the wooden table at the park. While looking at it, she brushed her bangs.

Since it’d be quite a chore to clean up the mess at home, they decided to do the haircut at a corner in the park.

(TLN: Wait, isn’t that littering?)

They were at a hair salon decorated with plants and the blue sky above them.

Kazutaka played with the scissors as if he were a chimpanzee using tools for the first time.

With an anxious face, he asked Haruka.

“Hey, do you really want to go through this? It’s not too late to stop now, y’know?”

It was his very first time cutting someone’s hair.

As for preparation, he first read through magazines on haircuts and then even went to a hair salon to have a pro teach him a bit. He was still not confident at all though. What if she gets an afro because of him?

(TLN: He used the word ‘bomba head’ (ボンバーヘッド) and if you google it, you get a bunch of pictures with afros, so I use afro.)

“Yeah, let’s stop. I don’t want to take responsibility for this…”

As Kazutaka tried to talk his way out of this, Haruka suddenly turned his way and stared at him directly.

Being somewhat overwhelmed by such a serious gaze, Kazutaka faltered.

“W-what?”

“Nee, Akasaka-kun. Could you listen to me for a bit?”

“Hm…?”

Being surprised about the change of tone, Kazutaka tilted his head.

“What’s up? Why so formal now?”

“Well, it might be a bit difficult to say but I actually have a fear of gazes.”

After hesitating for a bit, she confessed such.

Kazutaka was surprised, forgetting to close his mouth. 

“Fear of gazes?”

It felt almost like a foreign word, the intonation was strange.

Fear of Gazes.

He felt like he had heard about it somewhere.

It’s the fear that your gaze might make the other person feel uncomfortable, making you avoid their gaze intuitively. You eventually start to worry about the gazes of others so much that you become emotionally unstable. Was it that one?

Similar to how people with a fear of heights are afraid of tall places, people with a fear of gazes are afraid of their gaze and the gazes of others around them.

In the worst case, they mind their and the gazes of others so much that they find themselves completely shutting themselves off from society. Turning this whole thing into a social anxiety disorder.

And Haruka has ‘that’ fear of gazes…?

Asking such, Haruka averted her gaze from Kazutaka and nodded her head.

“In my case, it’s the latter. I’m afraid of the gazes of other people.”

“The gazes of other people?”

Feeling bewildered, Kazutaka looked down at Haruka.

She suddenly seemed so small in her wheelchair.

She had her hands on her knees, her eyes were facing downwards and her face was hidden by her bangs. She wasn’t meeting Kazutaka’s eyes.

Why did she suddenly bring this up?

Kazutaka was in a state of confusion.

He decided to listen to her and sat next to her, making sure that their eyes were on the same level and peering into her face.

☆

After all, aren’t I someone who can’t go anywhere without her wheelchair?

To Kazutaka’s surprise, Haruka suddenly said such.

“…Well, yeah”

Kazutaka nodded in agreement.

She was not able to stand by herself, she couldn’t walk on her own. The wheelchair would be always with her.

“Is something wrong with that?”

“Why is it that… whenever I go out in my wheelchair, I feel like I have so many eyes on me? What’s so special? Why do I stand out because of that? Why do people always look my way?”

“They look your way?”

“Of course, this might be just being excessively self-conscious but I honestly feel like just moving around in my wheelchair makes me somewhat of a center of attention.”

Kazutaka thought back on everything they’ve experienced so far.

On their way to school.

In the school corridor or at the staircase.

When they played at the arcade in the shopping district and when they got up from the tatami mat in the okonomiyaki restaurant. 

Come to think of it, it did feel like she stood out for some reason. A lot of curious gazes had been directed their way, even Kazutaka who was beside her all the time had felt these gazes as well.

“But that… Isn’t that kind of something that can’t be helped?”

Having an inkling that this might be a rather sensitive topic for her, Kazutaka tried his best to choose his words carefully when he responded.

Being different from others will inevitably make you stand out, even more when you’re a girl wearing a high school uniform.

“Don’t worry about the eyes of others. If you keep worrying about that, you’ll likely lose your hair in the future.”

Kazutaka joked lightly but Haruka didn’t seem to like the idea, shaking her head which in turn swayed her hair and made it turn dishevelled.

“I’m well aware that I should not mind it too much but there more I try to not be conscious about it, the more conscious of it I get… I just feel like people are looking at me weirdly…”

“They look at you weirdly?”

“They all look at me with various ‘eyes.’ Some of their gazes are filled with pity, others with annoyance and scorn, and yet others seem to view me as some rare animal.”

She started with a slow tone but it grew gradually darker and eventually, her voice lost all intonation.

Haruka was making a face as if she was brooding over something.

She looked at her hands, seemingly understanding that she was not able to do it ‘here’, and then gazed upon the sky above her, restlessly rubbing her fingers together.

“I feel like they look at me and laugh…”

A sympathizing gaze. 

A discriminating gaze.

Seemingly afraid of such gazes, Haruka tried to make herself small in her wheelchair.

“I hated it. I wanted to shut off such a world and thus grew my bangs. I just wanted to close myself off.”

Haruka looked at the ground and explained with a self-deprecating tone. “Seriously, I’m really someone that can’t be helped, aren’t I?”

“…No way…”

Kazutaka stared at Haruka’s long black hair in silence.

Her hair was long enough to cover her eyes.

He did think that her hair reassembled the long straight hair of Sadako, almost being able to use it as a mask. He never expected that exactly that had been her intention all along.

“That’s why I wasn’t able to talk to anyone in the classroom. I was afraid they’d look at me with pity or view me as something troublesome in the end.”

With Haruka Duty being gone, the atmosphere in their classroom had softened quite a bit. There were ill feelings directed towards Haruka.

However, Haruka was someone who’d cheerfully respond if someone talked to her. But she’d never approach anyone by herself.

Because it was Haruka’s nature to not want to cause any trouble to others. She’d make sure to be as reserved as possible. Who would have thought that this was the reason behind all of this? Kazutaka couldn’t believe it.

He was left speechless.

He looked at Haruka who had revealed something that she had kept deep within until now.

(“Has she truly harbored such thoughts in her mind all this time?”)

She was unable to walk.

She was bound to a wheelchair.

She was subjected to the gazes of people.

She found herself becoming afraid of those gazes.

Kazutaka continued to listen to Haruka’s monologue.

He kept listening to her, never interrupted and just let her words sink in.

In his mind, she was always cheerful and dignified, regardless of her condition. He thought she didn’t care about the way people looked at her.

But it turns out Haruka had been left in cold isolation for a long time.

This was how she had truly felt.

She had come to dislike the attention of people. 

She had grown her hair long to shut them out.

The Fear of Gazes.

Haruka had been always cheerful, Kazutaka had not noticed anything, there had been no sign of it, he had no idea that she was going through such.

In his mind, she had been a positive girl who wouldn’t lose against the obstacles placed on her path. Was that one just a persona? Just an act? Kazutaka wondered.

No, there is no way that all of that had been a lie. 

“Harukawa…”

Kazutaka sounded hurt.

He looked at Haruka who kept her head down, covering her eyes with her long hair.

For Haruka, her Sadako-like hair was something she used to protect herself from ‘the gazes of others’. A defense mechanism, a wall around her, a wall around her heart.

…Thinking about this, Kazutaka hit it.

Was she… Was Haruka perhaps also afraid of HIS gaze?

☆

Kazutaka breathed out deeply and with an uncomfortable feeling said:

“…Sorry for not noticing..”

There might be a good chance that she actually disliked being in crowded places, even to the extent that it felt painful.

And yet with his ‘good intentions’, he forcibly dragged her to all kinds of places.

“…So that was what has been on your mind huh”

Kazutaka stretched his arm and gently patted Haruka’s head.

Being able to disclose that kind of weakness must have taken a substantial amount of courage.

“I’m so sorry for not noticing anything until now. Thanks for telling me.”

So she had been going through all of this all by herself until now. She really gave it her all. With such thoughts, he continued to gently pat her head.

“Nnn…”

She hung her head even deeper, feeling embarrassed, she tried to make herself even smaller in her wheelchair. From the crevice of her hair her faintly flushed cheeks peeked out.

“Tell me stuff like this earlier.”

Kazutaka became unintentionally angry suddenly.

He formed a fist with his hand that was patting her hand and pushed it right in.

“N…Ah, huh…?”

Haruka who had been enjoying the comfortable sensation until now was surprised about the sudden violent turn and raised her voice.

“Wa- Ow, it hurts! Akasaka-kun?”

Kazutaka ignored her voice and told her in an angry tone.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Don’t keep stuff like this all to yourself!”

He was also angry at himself for not noticing until now. How could fail to notice this? He shouldn’t have been so absorbed into being fed okonomiyaki back then.

Having her head firmly grabbed, Haruka made a troubled expression.

“No… I mean… Aren’t I talking with Akasaka-kun about this now?”

“Well, yeah… Yeah but… Say it earlier! Idiot!”

He found himself accidentally calling her an idiot.

In reality, he was super happy that she confided this to him but he wished she had told him about this earlier.

Consult it with me earlier. Rely on me.

If you had done that, I would have helped you no question asked. I would have lent you my strength.

As Kazutaka looked at himself again, he threw a tsukkomi at himself, wondering why the heck he was holding scissors in one hand.

Haruka apologized with a wry smile.

“I’m sorry for making you worry.”

And then with a slightly more embarrassed tone, she continued:

“I’m sorry for suddenly bringing all of this and I’m truly grateful that you worry about me but… I’m fine already. Yup, no problems anymore, it got resolved already after all.”

“…Eh?”

Kazutaka asked with an amazed face.

“It… It got solved already?”

“Yup:”

Finding suddenly out that the issue had been already settled made it feel rather anti-climatic and Kazutaka found himself falling back onto the chair. 

“So did you recover from your fear of gazes?”

“Yes, kind of.”

She nodded casually.

From the way she told him the story, he got the impression that she was struggling severely with it.

However, it was already over. Is it common for phobia or nervous disorders to disappear so quickly?

“Well, you know, there is no point in dwelling on it forever I think.”

Haruka looked refreshed as if she had gotten over something.

She raised her face and brushed her back, which made them sway behind her like the wings.

“I think in my case, I was more at risk of developing a fear of gazes rather than full-on suffering from it. So it was lighter and I was just slightly oversensitive and disliked standing out.”

“Is that so?”

Kazutaka sighed in relief.

“Hah… seriously what are you doing, making me worry for nothing here.”

Kazutaka started to pat her head again and then ruffled her hair.

“Hahaha… Sorry for worrying.”

She seemed quite embarrassed.

Seriously, what was this all about? I’m so glad her fear of gazes has been cured. Really… I already thought we entered a dark event with her entering the shut-in route.

“…Or perhaps, is she still suffering from it and is just bluffing to not worry him?”

Haruka grasped the tips of her hair that were covering her face and said:

“Even if I use my hair to avoid looking at things I don’t want to see, that’s just me running away from my issues, it won’t solve anything.”

“You’re right.”

“Yeah, I finally understood that.”

“You understood what?”

Kazutaka tilted his head.

“I always felt uncomfortable when people looked at me. I thought I was afraid of the gazes of people. But Akasaka-kun was always concerned about me, always protecting me. I never once felt uncomfortable when your eyes were on me. I was never scared.”

Haruka looked directly back into Kazutaka’s eyes.

He found himself locked in her gaze.

“You were so warm and reassuring. It wasn’t scary at all.”

And then her cheeks turned red and she smiled sweetly.

“It’s not just Akasaka-kun. There were also Gramps from the other day, Watanabe-kun, Utsumi-kun Tsurugi-san, and others. There ARE who people look at me without any societal prejudice. And yet I’m the only one who averts her gaze? That would be straight-up rude towards them, don’t you think so too?

After a meaningful pause, she continued.

“Yes, I have to face them properly as well!”

Haruka suddenly raised her voice with a powerful: ‘Let’s go!”

She straightened her back and nodded to herself having steeled her resolve, clenching her hands tightly on her chest.

“Ah, also…”

She added something she recalled.

“Akasaka-kun, when you took me around all these different places… I really enjoyed it. I was happy. So please, don’t mind it.”

“…Yeah, got it.”

Kazutaka nodded.

☆

“With that all being said, I will have my hair cut today!”

Haruka declared as if she were an athlete or something and reached out for the skies.

(Ah, I guess that’s how the whole haircut story came to be huh…)

Kazutaka looked at his hand that was holding the scissors again and nodded to himself.

For Haruka, her hair was a wall of self-defense to protect herself from the gazes of other people.

A symbol of refusal.

However, now she wants them to get cut.

She gave up once because of that asshole from the hair salon close to the cake store but now she challenged herself one more time.

This might be actually a bit of a historic moment for her, no?

For Haruka, getting her haircut was almost like some kind of farewell ceremony. 

Saying goodbye to her old self and embracing her new self. 

It was a chance to take a small step forward.

That kind of farewell ceremony.

Haruka had been worrying about the issue all by herself and now reached her answer.

She understood that she couldn’t always remain her weak self forever and step up her game.

She’ll get rid of her hair that blocked her view and face others head-on. She’ll go against society, that’s the conclusion she reached.

Haruka’s enemy was ‘the gaze of people’, something rather abstract. It was not a fight she could easily win.

Regardless of Haruka’s resolve, people will look at Haruka, a disabled person, and will inevitably have various thoughts about her, staring at her with various eyes.

Eyes filled with pity. Eyes filled with scorn.

Nevertheless, she won’t run away anymore. She’ll face them head-on, this good-for-nothing world.

Kazutaka looked at Haruka once again.

A Girl in a Wheelchair.

(TLN: Wheelchair Girl)

(She’s strong.)

He was once again impressed by her strength.

However, although he understood her decision. Was it the right choice to entrust him with this task?

He was about to cut Haruka’s hair. What if he messed up? Worst case, she’ll end up getting subjected to even more gazes than before. Her fear will return and everything will go downhill.

In the first place, why did she even ask me?

Kazutaka confirmed once more.

“Are you really okay with me cutting your hair?”

If the whole goal is to change her attitude in life and start over, wouldn’t it be better to go to a professional hair salon and ask them? 

Haruka responded.

“Thanks to Akasaka-kun, I was able to muster up the courage to cut my hair. Akasaka-kun was the one who told me: ‘Harukawa, wouldn’t short hair suit you?’ That was the last push I needed to steel my resolve. That’s why… please Akasaka-kun, I want it to be you who cuts my hair.”

She stared directly at him and bowed.

(Well shit, I did say that…)

He just kind of casually let out his honest impressions and this was the outcome.

“If it’s Akasaka-kun who cut my hair, I won’t complain no matter what kind of style I’ll end up having.”

“Even if you say that…”

Kazutaka was wondering what he should do and scratched his head.

It seems she relied on him quite a bit already but he was just an amateur.

However, it wasn’t like he completely hated the idea.

He was also somewhat proud.

“I guess it can’t be helped.”

Haruka sighed.

If she went this far, he had to steel his resolve as well.

Kazutaka fired himself up, rolled up his sleeve, and clasped the scissors with a clink.

“If you go this far, then it can’t be helped. I’ll pour my everything into this and give you the most adorable and cutest haircut, so even professionals will be impressed. Brace yourself!”

Translator’s note:

Can’t really think of something to say. Was the quality okay? Should I join a TLGroup and get myself a proofreader? On the other hand, I really lack the guts and social skills to join a group… Oof. Welp, see you in three days again!

PS: I finally started to read Korean novels, I’m usually JP only reader but some I found one where someone claimed it was like Isekai Romcom (for which I translated a special chapter), so I HAD TO give it a shot. Still reading, quite a nice experience. Korean names feel so weird to read though, because now I actually have to check how to pronounce, whereas Japanese is a language, where stuff is written as it is pronounced (if you use Hiragana).

The novel is called: Pick Up the Rejected Pure Love (Yes, the NU cover looks AI generated but idk)